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Quick update. Things are better.
So… I’ve been traveling for the past days and although things have been tough , I am better now. Like yesterday I went out with my cousins and I had a slice of pizza…and not the small one but the big one, and yes I might have felt guilty and on the verge of purging afterwards but I DIDN’T so … That is progress. I won’t let this stupid ED ruin my time off. I made it through christmas abroad, I will make it this time as well. And I know summer is challenging for me because of the weather and the clothes and shit…but I will try. AND I WON’T GIVE UP. And you shouldn’t either. I hope everyone is having a good time, and I know this isn’t easy but it is worth it. You all are strong enough and you are not alone. I’m here for you. |
06/08-13
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Diary of a perfectionist. School.
This semester was hell. The thing is since school I kind of like lost all interest in having good grades and all. I just did it for the scolarship that somehow so far I´ve mantained. Yet this semester, no matter how much I studied or try, getting good grades was impossible. Teachers were bitchier than usual, they left us more work than was humanly possible and really it was a miracle we made it through. I tried to give my best. I did. I studied, and made summaries and all. Yet none of that payed off much. Yes I didn´t failed anything, but in order to keep my scolarship I had to have higher grades. My mom said she didn´t cared if I lost it or not, as long as I was mentally and physically ok. Yet, I had a breakdown yesterday over a final that didn´t go as expected. Not beause of the grade but because of the overall frustration and feeling of failure. I felt like I had let her and the whole world down. The “smart” kid of the family turned out to be a failure in every aspect, not only in terms of my profession, but also in my personal life as well. Again I felt like it was a mistake for my mother to have me, because well, not only was I sick, and had tormented over the past years with this stupid ED and depression, but also I sucked at socializing and now at school stuff. I felt I wasn´t even worth living. That I was a waste of space. It´s hard to deal with all the negative thoughts attacking you at the same time, when you´ve managed to be free of those for quite a while. Yet my mom was there for me. Still, today I woke up feeling angry. Feeling fat. Feeling down. I know numbers can´t define who I am, and life can´t be measured between “success and failure” neither “perfect and imperfect”. Yet I can´t stop myself from thinking that. I just don´t know how to get rid of those thoughts or that need to be perfect. How to not give a fuck about what people think, or what they expect of me. I just really…don´t know. And I´m scared. Scared that this is going ot be my life. This caeer I dislike so much, and in which I really suck at apparently. Yet I shouldn´t complain becase I actually have the opportunity to study, while there are a lot of kids out there who don´t and would love to. I just hate never feeling ok with what I have or what I do. I hate not being good enough. EVER, and being such a burden for everyone. I just wish I could delete my life and start again. But I can´t. I just have to deal, yet I don´t kow how. Ugh… |
06/01-13 |
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Venting
Lately I feel so angry all the time, and I don´t know why, and the cutting urges are so strong. I haven´t cut but I have binged and purged once. And really if I don´twork out I just feel like I´m gaining a bunch of weight which is stupid. And I can have an awesome day but the next I´m just down or absurdly mad and IDK why, and I thought I was over this. Really. I´m so angry with myself, and with the world, and I can´t help it. |
05/18-13 |
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05/18-13
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05/18-13
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Finals= ED paradise |
05/15-13 |
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Ever noticed how your body is trying to keep you safe?
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05/06-13
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Venting and ranting…the usual
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04/30-13 |
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So I sort of over ate (not sure if it was a binge or not) and purged today. Last week I ate a mcflurry and purged. That time was because I felt too full and really ate it when I was out with friends, but not because I really wanted it just because they wanted to eat ice cream and I didn´t wanted to look like a freak yet again not eating any junk food teenagers love so. This time was because I felt so stressed out and had extreme urges and I was like fuck it. In both cases I didn´t gave it much thought…just did it because I felt I NEED IT. WHY DO I KEEP DOING THIS?. I was able to not do it for a whole month. I´m just scared of losing control again you know? and it starts slow and then sudddenly you realize it has taken over your life.. IDK it was a slip up right? not relapse. I was feeling angry and sad for no reason. Maybe it´s the whole PMS thing. I just shouldn´t have done it. It´s just that I feel I have too much shit to do and too many responsabilities about a bunch of things and I feel like I am failing at everything and that I am a bad person and I suck and well you know the deal…So yeah… |
04/24-13 |
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Recovery is possible
Today is one of those days in which I am so grateful for being in recovery, for taking that decision. It´s been 3 years, and even though I have struggled a lot, and I have relapsed, I finally feel stronger to the point in which I can actually help people without being triggered. That was one fo the main reasons I recovered, because I wanted to help others and in the state I was before I couldn´t do that. I was barely able to deal with myself and my problems, so I really couldn´t be of great support to anyone. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today and it was so easy to open up and share things, like it had never been. Talking about different things I´ve realized I´ve found my own voice, and I´ve been able to stand up to people and situations that would´ve crushed me before and send me back into the self destrucitve spiral. I´m in that point in which I am no longer scared of my life and of my feelings, or not as much, and I feel ready to actually enjoy life and do things I´ve always denied myself. During recovery I may have done some of those things and those were little steps I had to take, but there are still a LOT of things more that I have to put in practice yet and to experience, and I´m thrilled about that. Maybe today I´m in a high point. Not gonna lie, I feel so full of energy, and virbant, like I can do anything. I feel really positive & absolutely happy and grateful too. Maybe tomorrow I will feel down, but the important thing is that days like today always help me keep in mind the many reasons why recovery is always the right choice. I can slip up, I can relapse, but I ALWAYS end up coming back to the road of recovery, because in the end I know it is the right way…although it is extremely hard. These past three years have been a living hell, but also a blessing. I´ve learned so much about myself, about life and about others, and I wouldn´t change it for anything. So, if I can do it. If I can feel happy wiht my life. If I can look at myself in the mirror and like what I see and feel sexy and pretty, then you can too. If I can go out with people and not freak out, and acutally have a good time, I´m sure you can too. And if I can actually enjoy a meal and share some time with my family and with my friends then you can too. Recoveyr is possible. You just gotta keep trying. Be honest with yourself. Open up. Take that leap forward. You are not alone and this is not stronger than you. You can do it, I believe in you. |
04/05-13
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