Change. Such a simple word. Something that should be easy, or so it seems in every fucking movie I see. People learning from their mistakes, through some pain, sure, but somehow getting rid of them and just finding their happy endings, living happily ever after, proud of who they are and not feeling like crap again. See. That´s the problem. They always show you what to do,  and all the good things of changing, but they never EVER  EVER show you the other part. The dark, not so easy and fun side. The constant falling back in the same old habits; the hurting yourself and others part. The feeling like a hopeless piece of shit, with nothing left inside. It does really suck and it is so frustrating. I wish that things could be as easy as they show it in the movies. I wish I could just change as fast as they do. Somehow it seems like no matter how hard I try, I fucking can´t change. Is as if I had a little demon inside of me that doesn´t let me move on. Every step forward I take, makes that shit inside of me pull me back twice as hard. I get over self destructive things, and I somehow learn new things to replace them with. Always being all fucked up, always. I guess it is part of being human to fight our own demons, to fight against that animal part of us…But somehow people´s demons seem to be different. Somehow most people demons are outside of them, not on their inside. I see my friends, and sure they have issues,  but usually if they feel down or fucked up, they do so because of things that happen to them. A friend lets them down, they fight with a boyfriend, or with their parents. Things that althoug may hurt, never turn their world upside down, leaving them without purpose, with no will to keep on living…with no control. It´s different. Somehow there is a cause to it, so it is easier to get over it, to find the cause of the problem and fix it. With me, on the other hand…there is not. It´s something that comes out of nowhere. This sudden urge to take whatever I have infront of me and eat it, to purge it all afterwards, or to harm myself in every way. The best thing on Earth may have happened to me, but the black hole inside me reopens for no reason, and comes to destroy every little bit of hope and joy that is left. And so I just want to give up again. Still I keep getting back up…but stuff like this really makes me wonder…Am I able to change? Could it be that I can´t and I´ll always be like this? Is this who I was meant to be?

I´m so tired of getting my hopes up, or feeling like I can do everything, because then reality and my own self end up proving me wrong. Every decision I make is a constant dilemma, a decisión between comple happyness and utter misery. So what do you do when just doing the most basic and necessary thing to live, eat, it´s a complete hell?.  I see Demi Lovato and it frustrates me so much. Yes, she was in treatment, but she came out and is doing great. She is still has a flawless body and perfect face. She is doing stuff that she loves and is helping others. I´ve been recovering for three years, and I´m still a complete failure. I still can´t eat properly. I still look for control and comfort in food, and also ways to harm myself. I still can´t get back on track as easy. I keep relapsing weekly. I still can´t find out what I love, and do it. I still live by other´s expectations of me. I´ve tried to change… but somehow it seems to be like everything in the bottom remains the same…just with a different shape, but the same substance. Sometimes I just feel like running away from here. Finding a treatment center and retiring myself from everything…just to fix myself…to find myself…to recover…fully, or just going  anywhere far…to do it, meditate…work out…eat healthy…clean myself inside and out. I feel like I need it…but then I see reality, and there is no place for me to run…because the truth is, I can´t run from myself.

stophatingyourbody:

I believe this picture fits perfectly with this blog. Every body is beautiful!! Loving your body isn’t always the easiest, I know, but it is your body and it’s beautiful just like you. Stay strong ladies & gents(: 

BE BRAVE! JOIN THE BODY PEACE REVOLUTION!

(via nothinginbetweenx)

(Source: shadesz, via reachingrecovery)

sugarplumfairybunches:

If you’ve ever binged, you know the feeling. You’re home alone. You’ve already eaten, and you’re not hungry. But it’s snack time. You can bake weird healthy things that your parents would make fun of you for! You’re excited. You’re standing in front of the cupboard,…

(Source: foreverfearlessx, via looveisallyouuneed)

(via reinventingmysoul)

(via honestlystillbelieve)

Con miedo despiertas, cada mañana  
Con miedo tu empiezas, con miedo tu juegas  
Con miego a vivir, tu tienes miedo a vivir  
Ahhh, es una pena, y sí, tu tienes miedo a vivir  
Con miedo despiertas, cada mañana  
Con miedo tu empiezas, con miedo tu juegas  
Con miedo a vivir, tu tienes miedo a vivir  
Con miedo tusacas todas las palabras  
Con miedo te expresas, con miedo a ser nada  
Con miedo a vivir, tu tienes miedo a vivir  
Estas enfadado con todo lo que hay cerca de tí  
Nunca te has gustado, y vives exigiendote al máximo siempre,  
Tu solo eres culpable de que ahora tu te veas así.  
 
Corazón, ahora tienes que pedirte perdón  
Por creerte siempre feo y culpable  
Y sufrir cada vez que sale el sol  
Corazón, corazón, ahora tienes que pedirte perdón  
Por creerte siempre feo y culpable  
Y sufrir cada vez que sale el sol  
Corazón!!  
 
Con miedo te acuestas sin decir nada  
Con miedo tu sueñas, con miedo te entregas  
Con miedo a vivir tu tienes miedo a vivir  
Con miedo tu sacas todas tus entrañas  
Con miedo tu observas, con miedo a ser nada  
Con miedo a vivir, tu tienes miedo de tí  
Estas enfadado con todo lo que hay cerca de tí  
Nunca te has gustado, y vives exigiendote al máximo siempre  
Tu solo eres culpable de que ahora tu te veas así…  

(via nutrientnatalie)